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This is a full transcript of Badfellas by Miraculous-Lilygem.

Transcript

Luke: Hey, Emma, pass the pepper. Earth to Emma! *hits Emma*

Jessie: Not eating, flushed, spaced out. Either Emma’s in love or she’s been bitten by a deer tick.

Emma: His name is Vincent.

Zuri: *laughing* Emma’s in love with a tick named Vincent!

Emma: He’s this really cute guy from school. He’s so cool, way too cool to ask me out.

Luke: Pfft. You got that right.

*Emma sadly looks at Luke*

Ravi: Vincent is awesome. In a Bollywood movie, he would get the girl, her sister, and four goats as a dowry.

Ravi: Good luck. May he turn out to be your life-long lab partner.

Emma: Oh...

Luke: Please. You’re gonna get rejected faster than Bertrum’s hair plugs. *laughs*

Emma: May the force of Kate Middleton be with me. *walks to Vincent’s locker*

Luke: Bet you your lunch pudding that she will crash and burn.

Ravi: I will take that action.

*Emma bangs her face on Vincent’s locker*

Vincent: Woah. What do you have against my locker?

Emma: Apparently, my nose.

Vincent: *grabs fake flower* This is for you and your nose.

Emma: Thank you. It’s beautiful.

Vincent: Wanna go grab some lunch? I’m tight with the lunch lady so I can get us some milk that hasn’t expired.

Emma: *gasp* That would be great! I am so tired of chewing my milk. 

Ravi: Well, well. I guess I win the bet. From now on, you can call me “Ravi Two Puddings”.

Luke: I’d rather keep calling you butthead. *laughs* That’s timeless. *walks away*

Jessie: You know, Zuri, I think it’s great that for your “Going Green” school project, you’re planting a tree.

Zuri: Most of my class is just taking shorter showers. Which is a bad move for the stinkier kids. Hey! Maybe I name my tree after you!

Jessie: Aw, that’s so sweet! My dad named an urban assault vehicle after me. Yeah, one night, he lost control and crashed “Jessie” through a grocery store. 

Zuri: If your dad ever comes to visit, remind me to wear my bullet proof tutu.

*Zuri turns around back to her tree*

*Emma and Vincent walk past the lunch lady*

Emma: You don’t have to pay for lunch?

Vincent: Nah! Agnes owes me a favour. I get her designer hair nets.

*someone pulls chair for them*

*Luke elbows Ravi*

Vincent: Here are the answers to your Math test. And remember to get a couple wrong. Everyone knows you’re stupid.

*a girl gives them towels*

Emma: Thank you.

*walks away*

Emma: Wow! This is incredible! The lemon-scented hot towels cover up the stink from the gym!

Luke: Look, Ravi! It is our sister, Emma!

Ravi: That we know, and love.

Vincent: These are your brothers?

Emma: I wish I could say no. But I don’t want to start our relationship off with lies.

Ravi: Ravi K. Ross, pleased to meet you.

Vincent: Uh… your hands are a little sweaty.

Ravi: No, that is saliva. I have been licking pudding off.

*Vincent wipes his hands on towel* *Emma turns away*

Vincent: Oh, you like pudding! Well, since I like your sister, maybe I can help ya out with that. *snaps finger* Pudding!

Ravi: O-oh… a King’s Ransom in pudding…

Vincent: And tell the ball monitor in the gym you know me. He’ll give you the basketball that isn’t lopsided.

Luke: *gasp* I thought those were just a myth! You better be good to him.

Ravi: Very good.

Zuri: What’s that girl doing to Branchy?! *runs*

Jessie: I thought her name was Jessie! Okay, I’ll just pretend that doesn’t sting.

Zuri: You put that staple into her, the next one goes into you!

*girl quickly staples and runs away*

Zuri: Oh, it’s on!

*runs as Jessie grabs onto her*

Jessie: You could’ve won the tractor pull at our county fair!


Jessie: So, Emma took my advice, and tonight, she has her very first date!

Bertram: *sarcastically* I’ll alert the media.

Jessie: Hey, a girl’s first date is magical. Unless you take a shortcut to the Cineplex through an artillery range. Still have ringing in my left ear.

Bertram: I don’t know what’s more surprising, that you’re still single or still alive.

Jessie: So, what do you think Vincent’s like? An intellectual, uh, an athlete, a poet?

(ding)

Vincent: Hey, there, Red! You must be the warden.

Bertram: I’m going with none of the above.

Vincent: You wanna pat me down? Could be the highlight of your week.

Jessie: (sarcastically) Oh, Vincent! Aren’t you making a great first impression! What do you do for a second one? Club a baby seal?

*Luke and Ravi walk out*

Luke: Hey, Vincent! We set up the screening room for your evening with Emma.

Vincent: Ah! Thanks, guys! Here’s some bathroom passes for your trouble!

Luke: Awesome! Now even when I don’t gotta go, I can still go!

Ravi: Wait! These are for the girls’ room.

Vincent: You’re welcome.

Jessie: Emma! Vincent’s here. Seems like a swell guy.

Emma: *flirty* Hi, Vincent. 

Pljessq063

Jessie: Whoa! You look like you just washed up from the Jersey shore!

Vincent: I think she looks smokin’!

Emma: Thanks, babe.

Jessie: Uh, “babe”? Nobody should be calling anybody “babe”.

Luke: Oh, calm down, babe!

Jessie: (whispering) Not helping, Luke! (normal) Why don’t you and Ravi go show Vincent the screening room?

*Vincent leaves*

Jessie: (whispering) Make sure he doesn’t steal anything!

*Luke and Ravi goes in*

Jessie: Emma! Maybe you should go change!

Emma: Oh please. Like I’d take fashion advice from someone who owns skorts. *walks away*

Jessie: (offended) *gasps* It’s the comfort of shorts in the style of a skirt! And it keeps cheerleaders modest!


Jessie: *walks in* Hey, guys. Hope I’m not interrupting anything. I just baked some “Everybody Keep Your Hands To Yourself” cookies.

Emma: Jessie, we’re trying to watch a movie.

Jessie: Movie’s up there, and I’ll be out there.

*Jessie starts to walk away, looking back*

Vincent: So where was I? Oh yeah. So I tell the guy, “Quit being such a baby! Blood washes out.”

Jessie: *walks back* Alrighty! This night is over. It’s past your curfew.

Emma: But I’m already home.

Jessie: Then it’s past your curfew.

Vincent: I don’t have a curfew.

Jessie: Then I just gave you one! Consider it a party gift. *lifts Vincent up*

*Emma chases after*

Vincent: Whoa! Jessie! Maybe if you had your own man, you wouldn’t be so uptight.

Jessie: I am THIS CLOSE to poking out your eye!

Jessie: And for your information, I’m this tense even when I am dating! Go, just go, go!

Emma: This is so unfair! Vincent is a great guy! He got me a new locker, FAR away from the boys’ bathroom.

Jessie: No, that’s how these guys work, okay? They romance you with sweet words and flowers, and increased distances from urinals. But I can tell he’s a bad influence.

Emma: Vincent is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Jessie: Well, that’s what I say about skorts! Clearly we both have poor judgement!

*Zuri comes down the stairs*

Jessie: What do you think you’re doing?

Zuri: I’m sleepin’ on the terrace so I can use the telescope to keep an eye on Branchy.

Jessie: Oh, not gonna happen, Zur—

Zuri: But I just wanna—!

Jessie: No! You are going to sleep in that bed if I have to staple the sheets down! Go! *Zuri walks up*

Zuri: Thanks for putting her in a bad mood, Emma!

Jessie: I’m not in a bad mood.

Zuri: Tell that to the vein poppin’ out of your forehead!

Jessie: Bertram, I need your opinion.

Bertram: Yes, get your teeth whitened.

Jessie: This is serious. If I tell Emma that she can’t be with Vincent, it’s only going to make her be with him more! So what should I do?

Bertram: Don’t care.

Jessie: You’re right! If I pretend I don’t care, she’ll realize for herself that he’s no good!

Bertram: No, I mean I don’t care, please stop talking to me.

*Emma walks down*

Emma: Okay, let’s hear it. You have a problem with my outfit, don’t you?

Jessie: Uh, yeah! I’m envious! I could never pull off that whole “sparkly undertaker” look!

Emma: What’s going on?

Jessie: Nothing. I overreacted last night. Emma, you’re a good girl, and I trust you to make the right decisions.

Emma: Really? Thanks, Jessie. *walks away*

Bertram: Wow, you lied to her right through your yellow teeth!

Vincent: Luke, Ravi! Just the guys I wanted to see! Everyone else, out!

*everyone else walks away*

Luke: Wow, Vincent! You clear a room faster than Jessie on karaoke night!

Vincent: Listen, guys, if you want to be part of my crew, you need to take on some responsibility.

Ravi: Ooh, ooh! I’m very responsible. I have to be. If a seven-foot lizard does not get fed regularly, people get hurt.

Luke: Yeah, it’s true. I have a lizard tooth buried in my buttcheek to prove it. Wanna see?

*Luke turns around*

Vincent: Hey, we’re not that close. *Luke and Ravi leaves while Vincent walks up to Emma*

Vincent: Hello, beautiful. Whatcha doin’?

Emma: Third period’s about to start.

Vincent: Oh, didn’t you hear? Today is a special short day. The school’s over.

Emma: Yay! I must’ve missed that in the morning announcements.

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Vincent: *sighs* What I mean is, we should just skip school today.

Emma: You mean, cut class? That would be wrong. Ooh, that would be wrong!

Zuri: Oh no! Someone broke off one of Branchy’s arms! Probably some rotten kid swung on her. Or a really fat squirrel.

*Jessie looks up*

Jessie: What? I don’t believe it!

Zuri: Oh, believe it, they exist. Laying around, no J-O-B. Just stuffing their faces with acorns.

Jessie: No, I mean over there! Emma’s supposed to be at school.

*Officer passes by*

Jessie: Officer! Excuse me! Hi, uh, I’m a nanny, and I need your help. That’s one of my charges skipping school with that boy. Is there any chance you can help me out with one of those “scared straight” things?

Officer Petey: Oh, well, you picked the right guy. I could use some of my improv skills. I take a workshop on the weekends.

Jessie: Thanks, Officer… uh… Petey.

Petey: Okay, give me an occupation and a location.

Jessie: Well, a police officer in the park.

Petey: Oh. Okay. I, you know, it’s not much of a challenge, kind of Improv 101, so…

Jessie: Fine. And the park you’re in is… on the Moon!

Petey: Got it! Ho-ho! Houston, we have a scenario! Sh-hoo! Sh-hoo! Sh-hoo!

Jessie: Emma’s gonna think twice before skipping school again. Getting caught by a cop is gonna freak her out.

Zuri: She doesn’t look that freaked out to me.

*scene with them hugging each other, Jessie walks up to them*

Jessie: Uh, I didn’t send you over here to chit-chat, I sent you over here to scare them!

Petey: But this is Vincent Liotta! He goes to school with my little brother! Thanks to him, Ricky won class president. And trust me, Ricky is not exactly a leader of men.

Emma: Jessie! You turned us in to the cops? That’s messed up.

Petey: Yeah, nobody likes a snitch.

Jessie: Oh, nobody likes an improv either! Even mimes would look down on you!

Petey: *gasp* You are no friend to the arts or the NYPD! *walks away*

Jessie: Emma, I trusted you, which was obviously a mistake. Say goodbye to Vincent. 
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Emma: (flirty) Goodbye, Vincent.

Jessie: Oh, not like that! And you, I’ve got my eye on you.

Vincent: Thanks, but I’m taken. (to Emma) I’ll see you at school tomorrow, Emma, and dress nice. We’ll be eating in the teacher’s lounge.

Emma: See, Jessie? You can’t keep me from seeing Vincent!

Jessie: Maybe at school, but after school, consider yourself grounded.

Emma: You can’t tell me what to do! *walks away*

Jessie: Oh yeah? Well, my “World’s Greatest Nanny” mug says otherwise! *walks away as well*

Zuri: Branchy, I am not looking forward to your teenage years.

Jessie: I know you’re mad, but someday you’re going to thank me for this.

Emma: Don’t hold your breath.

Jessie: Look. Not that long ago, I was your age, and I had my own Vincent. Named T-Bob. And if someone had kept me away from T-Bob back then, maybe I wouldn’t be banned from the great state of Oklahoma today.

Jessie: *phone rings* Hello? Officer Petey? Zuri’s in the pork? I can't understand a word you're saying. Well, it's a lousy Jackie Chan impression. Oh! Zuri's in the park! I thought she was in her room! Okay, I’ll be right there! *leaves*

(Emma texts Vincent)

Ravi: Please tell me you are texting Vincent. Because I am going through pudding withdrawal.

Emma: Yep! I just invited him over.

Luke: Jessie’s gonna flip. That vein actually will pop out of her head!

Emma: I’ve got it covered. “Zuri, don’t let Jessie stop you from protecting Branchy. (strong) Power to the plants.” (normal) There. That’ll keep her busy for a couple of hours.

Luke: You really think Zuri can stall her that long?

Emma: (ding) It’s Zuri. “Jessie will have to pry this tree from my cold, dead hands.”

Luke: *silence* (fast) Yep, we’re good.


Jessie: Zuri, you need to ask me permission if you want to go to the park.

Zuri: *sarcastically* Can I go to the park? *silence, turns back*

Jessie: I mean before you go! I’m just new with this nanny thing.

Petey: Hey, I know how it’s like trying to get the hang of a new job. By the way, if you happen to find a taser, it’s mine.

Jessie: I’ll keep an eye out. Did you lose anything else?

Petey: Oh, well I did have a horse.

Jessie: Come on, Zuri. Let’s go.

Zuri: No. People are out to hurt Branchy!

Jessie: Zuri, Branchy will be fine. Come on, it’s time to go home now. *grabs Zuri*

Zuri: (screaming)
Badfellas9

Petey: Well, looks like you’ve got this handled.

Emma: Vincent! And a bunch of other people…

Vincent: Who are really hungry. Can you hook us with some snacks?

Emma: Sure. *runs*

Vincent: Luke, Ravi. Time for you to help me out. See, there's a guy here, and I need you two to teach him a lesson.

Luke: Oh, if he needs a tutor, you got the wrong guy. See, my only good subject is recess.

Ravi: Whereas I, am good at everything. But recess.

Vincent: I mean, I need you to collect some money I’m owed. From that guy.

Ravi: Oh dear. That is not a guy. That is a building in a hoodie.

Both: Awwww…

Ravi: Excuse me, Mr. Giant, sir. My associate wishes to speak to you.

Luke: What? *chuckles*


Luke: (squashed) Now I know what Bertram’s chair feels like!

Ravi: Ughhhhh! If you release us now, we WILL forgive you. But if you eat another bite of Bertram’s bean dip, your colon will not.

Bertram: Emma! Em, what is going on here? *sniff* Is someone eating my bean dip?! Oh hi, Ravi.

Ravi: Hello, Bertram!

Bertram: Turn the music down! *is swept away* Wh-what… help! EMMA!!! Teens, so much acne! *sobs*

Emma: Vincent! This has gone too far! Ravi is stuck in the piano, Luke’s being used as a seat cushion, and Bertram is just swept away! And he hates sweeping! You guys have to leave!

Vincent: And you need to chill out!

Jessie: Keep it moving, people, nothing to see here! *phone rings* Fine, you win this round. And every round up until now.

Zuri: You’ve got that right.

Jessie: Hello? Emma? What’s going on? I can barely hear you over that noise. What is that noise?

Emma: It’s a party. Stop it! That’s an antique vase, not a football! Jessie, come home! I need your help!

Jessie: I’ll be right there. *hangs up* Come on, Zuri. Emma needs me.

Zuri: Well, Branchy NEEDS ME!

Jessie: Zuri! I gotta go! What’s it gonna take?
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Zuri: I can’t wait to show Branchy her new home!
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Jessie: Or what’s left of it.

Zuri: I think I’ll start by showing Branchy the panic room.

Emma: Jessie! I’m so sorry! You’re right about Vincent! He’s my T-Bob! And I don’t want a T-Bob!

Jessie: Nobody should have a T-Bob. I got this. *turns off music* Hey, this party is over! 
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Vincent: Whoa, these are Emma’s guests! You can’t kick them out! You’re just the help!

Emma: Don’t you talk to Jessie that way!

Jessie: No, Emma, no. He’s right. I am just the help. (to Vincent) So let me HELP you out! *grabs him tightly, causing him to ache* My dad taught me that move. And sharp-shooting. You’re lucky I’m not armed.

Vincent: Emma, you’re gonna let her do this to me?

Emma: You’re right. She shouldn’t do that. *grabs Vincent, Jessie lets go*

Jessie: Alright, just keep his wrist right between the shoulder-blades. Good. Oh! Now I know how proud my dad felt! Everybody out!

Emma: Jessie, I’m so sorry about all this. I totally volunteer to clean this all up.

Jessie: Oh, that’s cute. You think you have a choice. Emma, are you okay?

Emma: I should’ve listened to you.

Jessie: Yeah. You could learn a lot from my many, many, many years of painful experience.

Emma: You’ve had a rough 18 years.

Jessie: The womb wasn’t that great either. My mom made a lot of jalapenos. Just remember, we’re here to help you.

Luke: Great. Can you help me get Ravi out?

Jessie: Believe it or not, I was once in a very similar situation. T-Bob didn’t want to pay for Cowboy’s ticket, I know I shouldn’t have followed him into that sewage pipe. It took 10 showers.

Ravi: You know what would make this story more enjoyable? If I did not have a piano string where the Sun does not shine.

Jessie: How’d you get in that piano, anyway?

Ravi: I have chosen to suppress the memory.

Emma: I just changed my status to single! I’m a free woman and ready to par-tay!

Jessie: You’re a grounded woman, and ready to stu-day!

Luke: You know, losing Vincent isn’t that bad. I was using so many of the bathroom passes, people were calling me “Leaky Luke”.

Bertram: *knocks in dumbwaiter* Help… helppp? *sobs* Someone help?

*Jessie opens dumbwaiter, seeing Bertram*

Jessie: Bertram? How did you get in there?

Bertram: Teens! So much acne! I just couldn’t fight back!

Zuri: And the last part of our tour is the kitchen! *opens door, sees them pulling Bertram out* Branchy, I am so sorry you had to see that.

(END OF JESSIE BADFELLAS)

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