(episode begins in the penthouse kitchen)
Jessie:Isn't it nice having a family dinner?
(Emma,Luke,Ravi and Zuri using their phones)
Jessie:Did you guys hear about that alien invasion?
(still using phones)
Jessie:Yeah,caught me by surprise,too.
Bertram:If we leave now, they may not notice for at least a month. I'll race you to Miami!
(Ravi's phone beeps)
Ravi:Ooh,how exciting! Our school is having try-outs for the Walden Mascot,Waldorf the Wasp.
Jessie:You know,I was my school's mascot!
Jessie:Angus the Armadillo. When threatened,I'd roll over and play dead like the football team.
Ravi:Perhaps dressing up like a giant wasp and cheering for our sports team will be my ticket to popularity.
Zuri:As if your regular clothes aren't embarrassing enough.
Emma:Hey,at least it involves sports. Sort of. I know you were bummed when you didn't meet the weight requirement for towel boy.
(Ravi puts his fist on his face)
Jessie:You know,Ravi,I could coach you in the fine art of mascot-ary.
Luke:What's to know? Run around,flail your arms,and try not to fall down.
Jessie:Not so easy with a 40-pound shell on your back,pal!(stands up) Hey,did I ever tell you kids about the time I did a triple somersault at the big homecoming game?
(the kids send a text message to Jessie)
Jessie:Well,that's just rude!(puts her phone down)
(theme song plays)
(scene changes to park)
(Zuri is hula hooping while Jessie repeats what Zuri is doing but fails. Jessie gets past Zuri and notices Taylor.)
Jessie:Hey! Is that a unit patch from Stuttgart Army Base in Germany?
Taylor:Yeah,my mom was stationed there.
Jessie:Really? So was my dad! I've still have my lederhosen! So is your mom stationed in New York now?
Taylor:No,my mom is serving overseas. While she's gone,my grandma's watching me.
(Jessie looks at Taylor)
Taylor:I'm a handful.
(Mrs.Harris wakes up)
Mrs.Harris:Taylor,why'd you change the channel? I was about to order that juicer!
Taylor:Grandma,you're in the park! She loves juicing stuff.
(Zuri enters the conversation)
Zuri:I had to stop hula-hooping. These hips aren't as young as they used to be.
Jessie:Zuri,this is Taylor.
Jessie:She's a military kid,too. Plus,she was stationed in Germany. She's like a mini-me!
Zuri:Really? Then you might want to prepare for a string of loser boyfriends.
Jessie:Hey! Actually,she's not wrong. You better start downloading break-up songs now.
(Scene changes back to penthouse in the TV room)
Zuri:So,how exactly do you play Bugle Hero?
Jessie:Oh,you just follow the notes on the screen and play a patriotic song. Taylor,you grew up on a military base. You will love this. Zuri,try to keep up. (Plays reveille) I won!
Zuri:That's because no one else is playing.
Taylor:Yeah,I don't really know this song.
Jessie:You don't know Reveille? How did you wake up on the base every morning?
Taylor:With my Blake Shelton alarm clock.
Zuri:(stands up)I have one too! Where his dimples are at 3:00 and 9:00.
Taylor:(stands up)And his belt buckle is the snooze button?
(Zuri and Taylor scream)
Jessie:Girls! Keep it down! How does your grandmother sleep through that?
Taylor:Oh,she'll sleep through anything. Except this:Hey,Grandma,look! It's Tom Selleck!
Mrs.Harris:What,where? Is my wig straight?
(Zuri and Taylor look at Jessie)
(Scene changes to park)
Jessie:(points to squirrel,chuckles)Unless that squirrel over there wants to try out for mascot,it looks like you're the only one who showed up.
Ravi:Oh,joy! That would greatly increase my odds of winning!
Coach Penny:(blows whistle)
Jessie:I don't know what's worse,the deafening noise or the spray of spit.(wipes face)
Ravi:Your new mascot is here!
Coach Penny:Oh,great. The kid who gets winded just changing into gym clothes.
Ravi:You will not find a more committed mascot than me. I have oodles of free time,because I have no social life!
Coach Penny:I am not going to pick you just because you're the only one interested. That's how I wound up with my third husband.
Jessie:You've had 3 husbands? I can't even get one guy to call me back!
Luke:Oh,no! Did I miss the mascot tryouts?
Emma:There won't be any tryouts. Ravi is the only one who showed up.
Ravi:What? No! Emma,you're the School Spirit Coordinator! Get more losers out here! I came for a show!
Emma:I'm busy! My banners are on back-order,the face paint I got runs,and even though I banned the debate team from the pep rally,they still argued their way in. They are good.
Luke:(notices cheerleaders)Whoa! What's the babe squad doing here?
Emma:They're here to see who wins the mascot job,since they'll be spending so much time with him.
Luke:The mascot gets to hang out with the cheerleaders?
Emma:Yeah,who do you think zips him into his costume?
Luke:(runs to stage excitedly)Coach Penny! I want to try out to be the Walden Mascot!
Ravi:You want to be the mascot? The boy who thinks "school spirit" is the ghost of an old janitor?
Luke:He is real! Something is flushing those toilets.
Jessie:(nods)Yes,a motion sensor. We've been over this.
Ravi:Oh,Luke,this is one competition you will not win. You may have charisma,but I was born to look goofy in public!
(Scene ends,advertisement break for TV viewers)
(Scene continues in Park)
Luke:Those are my deets,ladies! Oh,and don't worry,there are enough freckles to go around!
Coach Penny:(amazed)Outstanding! Absolutely buzzworthy!
Jessie:(to Ravi)OK. Just remember the routine we practiced. Kick,turn,sting. Kick,kick,sting.
Ravi:OK,but if I get confused I will just wind it. Get it? Wasp mascot humor.
Jessie:I get it. Don't do that.
(Hip-hop music plays,Ravi goes on the stage)
(Ravi dancing,Jessie coaches,Coach Penny paying attention)
(Coach Penny realizes that Jessie is coaching)
Coach Penny:Hey! (blows whistle) No coaching!
Jessie:I wasn't coaching.(thinking) I was waving at an ex-boyfriend. Hey,Dean! Thanks for never calling me back. I'm keeping your sweatshirt!
Jessie:So,what did you think?
Coach Penny:Somebody get me a giant fly swatter. The winner is Luke!
Luke:All right,all right,all right,cheer-ladies. Practice is at my place. Last one there is the base of the pyramid!
(cheerleaders leave the scene)
Jessie:Why do you get to pick the mascot? I think the students should pick!
Coach Penny:(scoffs) Why does everything at this school always have to be about the students?
Emma:Oh,having a mascot competition at the pep rally would be great for school spirit.
Ravi:Because watching me whip Luke's thorax would be thrilling?
Emma:No,because it's either that or a stranger-danger puppet show.
(scene changes back to penthouse)
(Jessie brings food)
Zuri:What's all that?
Jessie:It's for you and Taylor. Pretzels with hot mustard,turkey schnitzel,and sauerkraut balls. They were my favorite snacks when I was stationed in Germany.
Zuri:If I eat that,I'll be stationed over the toilet.
(scene changes to kitchen,cutting potatoes)
Jessie:(quickly)Time's up! I peeled 15!
Zuri:I peeled half a potato and 6 fingers.
Jessie:Aw,Zuri. Maybe a potato peeling race isn't a game for civilians.
Taylor:This was a game? I thought we were being punished!
Bertram:I thought you were helping make dinner.
Jessie:OK! Ready for our next game,Clean the Latrine?
Taylor:Uh,no thanks. Besides,the latrines in this place are already ship-shape.
Bertram:Did you actually just compliment my cleaning skills?
Bertram:No! I never thought I'd say this to a kid,but...would you like to stay for dinner?
Taylor:I'd love to,but I have to get back home. My grandma loves mashed potatoes,so do you mind of I take a few of these?
Zuri:Sure,but take Jessie's. They have less finger shavings.
(Taylor and Bertram leaves the scene)
Zuri:Jessie,you gotta stop recruiting me and Taylor for you weird military games. Don't you have other things to do?
Jessie:Yes. Plan Taylor's birthday party! We're gonna play Pin the Stars on the General!
Zuri:Wait,how did you know it's Taylor's birthday?
Jessie:Her Grandma told me. She also knitted me this...
Jessie:I was going to say snorkel warmer,but either way she needs a new hobby.
(Scene changes to living room)
Zuri:I came up with a great theme for Taylor's birthday!
Jessie:So did I. Nothing says "birthday" like an obstacle course.
Zuri:Or we can do something fun that doesn't involve barbed wire,and mud.(nods)
Jessie:"Taylor's Twangy Tenth"?
Zuri:Yeah,it'll be a country music birthday blowout!
Jessie:Zuri,how are we going to get a mechanical bull into the living room?
Zuri:Actually,it's a real bull. Since when do I bring fake giant animals into the pet house?
(Bertram enters the scene)
Jessie:Bertram,we need you to plan a party menu for Taylor's 1st birthday in New York.
Bertram:Sure,anything for her! She complimented my latrines. That's what we call bathrooms. It's our thing.
Jessie:Please. You wouldn't know a latrine from a hole in the ground,which sometimes it is.
(Taylor enters the scene)
Jessie:Taylor and I know that because we were both raised in the military!
Taylor:Hey guys,what are you talking about?
Zuri:Believe it or not,toilets.
Taylor:Don't you mean latrines?
Jessie:Taylor! Guess what?
Zuri:We're throwing a birthday party for you!
Jessie:I wanted to tell her.
(Zuri looks at Jessie)
Taylor:Oh...that's nice,but I really don't want you to go to any trouble.
Jessie:What? No! It's no trouble! We're gonna have games,and decorations,and Bertram's gonna make a huge cake.
Zuri:And when he eats that,he'll make you another one!
Bertram:There goes your corner slice.
(Zuri looks at Bertram)
(Bertram leaves the scene)
Jessie:And you can invite anyone you want. (pauses) Doesn't that sound fun?
Taylor:(embarrassed) No,it doesn't. I don't want a party. I don't even want a birthday!(runs and leaves the scene)
Jessie:That was not the reaction I expected.
Bertram:Uh,Tony just called. Does anyone know anything about a bull delivery?
(Zuri grins at Jessie)
(scene ends,advertisement break for TV viewers)
(scene changes to park)
Jessie:Then when we mentioned her birthday,Taylor burst into tears,and ran off.
Mrs.Harris:Oh,well,Taylor just misses her mother more than usual lately,what with her tenth birthday coming up.
Zuri:The big one-oh is huge. You want your mom there when you enter double digits.
Jessie:Look,I completely understand how Taylor feels.When my dad was stationed overseas I missed him so much. Most of all on special occasions.
Zuri:I know,Jessie. But this is about Taylor. So please don't tell the "Loneliest Snowman" story.
Zuri:No! Don't get her started!
Jessie:It was the first Christmas without Dad. The snow was high,the morale was low-
Mrs.Harris:Well,this has been fun-
Jessie:OK,OK. I'll stop.
(all stand up)
Zuri:Will you tell Taylor we're sorry we upset her,and anytome she wants,she can come over and make fun of Jessie playing Bugle Hero?
Mrs.Harris:I sure will,pumpkin,and thank you.
(Mrs.Harris is about to leave,but Jessie stops her.)
Jessie:Wait a minute. I think I have an idea. Zuri,I think it might be time to call in that big favor from you-know-who.
Zuri:Oprah? She won't take my calls anymore. Apparently,I'm no longer one of her favorite things.
(Jessie stares at Zuri wider)
Zuri:Oh,you mean that you-know-who.
Mrs.Harris:Who are you talking about? If you know Tom Selleck,you better not be holding out on me.
(Jessie shakes her head)
(scene changes to penthouse lobby)
(Ravi's pants rip and Ravi shouts)
Ravi:I think I split something doing the splits.
(Jessie and Emma help Ravi get up.)
Ravi:It appears verbal dexterity may be my only chance to win this brotherly mascot donnybrook.
Jessie:Yeah,I'm not sure what you said,but if it means you shouldn't dance,I agree.
Emma:I don't care who wins. You,Luke, or this Donny Brook guy! (pause) Just don't mess up my pep rally!
(Emma gets hit by a bull and screams)
Ravi:If she had been more supportive,I would have warned her about the bull in the kitchen.
(crashing sounds scaring Jessie)
(Zuri is on the phone with Michelle Obama)
Zuri:Look,I know you're slammed at the office,but I have a big favor to ask.
Zuri:But I haven't even told you what the favor is yet!
Michelle:No,no,it's not you,it's Sunny! Sunny! No,no,the Martha Washington vase is not a chew toy!
(Sunny breaks the vase)
Michelle:Oh,I'm so sorry Zuri,but I'm gonna have to call you back.
Zuri:Please just hear me out! Please,please,pleaseeeeeeee?
Michelle:Are you making your big,sad eyes?
Zuri:And the quivering lip.
Michelle:Wow,this must really be important.
Zuri:It is. I have a friend and we're throwing her a birthday party,and we need a special guest. Are you writing this down?
Michelle:Uh,of course I am. Sunny,fetch mommy a pen.
(scene changes to park)
Emma:All right, Walden! Who's ready for the big pep rally?
(Cheerleaders cheer,audience cheers indifferently(totes lame))
(Jessie rubbing Ravi's shoulders)
Jessie:Is this helping?
Ravi:Uh,yes,it feels wonderful,even though you are only rubbing foam.
Jessie:OK,now,remember what we talked about. You just gotta be the bee.
Ravi:I am a wasp. Bees have entirely different temperaments,feeding habits,and not to mention nesting-
Jessie:Can it,science boy!(puts the head on the costume)OK. Now,go up there and do me proud!
(Ravi goes up to the stage)
Coach Penny:(blows whistle) These two mascot wanna-bees. (chuckles) Will now compete to be Waldorf the Walden Wasp!
Emma:Remember,you enthusiastic applause will determine the winner.(behind her is a applause-o-meter. the levels are totes lame,mostly lame,getting warm,hot,and blazing.)
(audience cheers indifferently(totes lame))
Emma:Or feel free to sit there slack-jawed.
(audience clapping rhythmically(mostly lame))
(Emma points to the applause-o-meter,which is at getting warm)
(in one dance routine,Luke holds his bottom and moves backwards)
(song ends,crowd cheering(between getting warm and hot))
Luke:Are we done here? 'Cause I need to figure out which cheerleader is gonna be my honey.
Ravi:Not so fast. You may have the moves,but I have the power of words! Hit it!
Ravi:Oh,yo-yo! Get on your feet and put your antennae together 'cause I am coming...
(crowd clapping rhythmically)
Ravi:(rapping)From the halls of Walden!
I am a wasp not a bee!
Which means I can sting repeatedly
My name is Waldorf,son
I rep the NYC!
If my school needs spirit they can count on me!
Do the Waldorf!
Do the Waldorf!
Luke:They're eating this garbage up!
Emma:Right? For a guy who doesn't use contractions,he's got a sick flow!
Ravi:(rapping)Now you know my story
Bug life 'til I die!
So much school pride
it brings a tear to my eye!
I will never let you down
I will dance 'til it hurts
Now here is where I make it rain T-shirts!
(applause-o-meter between getting warm/hot)
(Ravi shoots T-shirts at random people)
(Ravi shoots a t-shirt at Luke)
(everyone on the stage gasps)
(Luke throws a basketball at Ravi)
(Ravi takes off the head costume and takes out the stinger)
Ravi:I call foul! En garde!
Luke:You realize those stingers aren't real,right?
Ravi:Oh,yeah? Is this real enough for you?
(Ravi hits Luke so the head comes off,but Luke's head isn't inside)
Ravi:Oh,heavens,he is headless! I have very mixed emotions about this!
(Luke puts his head back to the top of the costume)
(Luke fights with Ravi)
Jessie:Luke,stop. Ravi,knock it off!
Coach Penny:The crowd is on fire! The pep rally is a success!
Emma:Finally,my stupid brothers come in handy!
(Coach Penny nods)
(Jessie goes up to the stage)
Jessie:Now is the time to blow that whistle! (blows whistle)
(crowd stops cheering)
Coach Penny:Ugh! I see what you mean about that spit spray.
Emma:Well,according to the Applause-O-Meter, our new mascot is Luke!
Emma:And Ravi,the cheerleaders thought your rap was so good,they want to make you the first ever male cheerleader in Walden history!
Emma:They want to make you their flyer. Something about your bird-like bones being easy to toss around.
Ravi:I will take it! I am yours,oh,beautiful ones!(hugs the cheerleaders)
Coach Penny:Whatever keeps him off the playing fields.
Ravi:Pretty girls are talking to me! And not asking me to do their homework!
Luke:Aww...he's smiling. And his little wings are wagging!(chuckles)
Jessie:It's nice to see you happy for your brother.
Luke:Yeah. But it's such a waste. He's going to buzz his way right into the friend zone.
Jessie:On the bright side,he'll have friends!
(scene changes back to penthouse)
Taylor:Sorry I ran out the other day.
Zuri:That's OK. We're really glad you decided to come.
Taylor:Me too. I just miss my mom so much that I haven't been in much of a party mood. But she's really brave,so I have to be brave,too.
Jessie:Aw...(hugs Taylor)good for you. OK. Here,open my present.
Taylor:Thanks! I've always wanted a...lead pipe?
Jessie:Nonono,it's a stainless steel pull-up bar! It's what my dad got me for my sweet sixteen! That's why my arms look so good in my prom picture.(shows her arms)
Zuri:And speaking of great arms...surprise!
(Michelle Obama enters the scene)
Taylor:You got me a play date with Michelle Obama?
(Sgt.Harris enters the scene)
Sgt.Harris:Taylor!(laughs and hugs Taylor) Oh,sweetie,I've missed you so much!
Taylor:I missed you,too. I can't believe you're here!
Sgt.Harris:I can't believe you're 10! Double digits! And so beautiful!
Mrs.Harris:My baby!(joins hug)
(Jessie holds her heart)
Zuri:Jessie,are you crying?
Jessie:(crying)No. I still have potato shavings in my eyes.
Zuri:Hi,Mrs.Obama. Thank you so much for bringing Taylor's mom home.
Michelle:Oh,it was my pleasure.(to Jessie)So you must be Zuri's nanny.
Jessie:(chuckles)That depends. What did she do?
Michelle:(chuckles)Well,there was the time I was giving her family a tour in the White House and Zuri sneaked into the Oval Office(points to Zuri),to ask the President to institute bedtime reform.
Zuri:Can we roll back tuck-in times for America's youth? Yes,we can!
Jessie:That was before I was in charge of her.
Taylor:Mrs.Obama,thank you for bringing my mom home for my birthday.
Michelle:Oh,Taylor. No,thank you. You see,both the President and I know how much you and all of out military children do for our country. See,by staying strong,helping out around the house and supporting your mom from here at home,both you and your grandmother are serving our country just as much as your mom is. And we are so incredibly proud of you.
Sgt.Harris:Almost as proud as I am.
Mrs.Harris:Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And you've all got six-fingered gloves coming your way.
Mrs.Harris:I'm not very good at knitting.(laughs)
Michelle:Well,you must be Taylor's grandma.
Mrs.Harris:I am. And by the way,my birthday is next month. Do you happen to know Tom Selleck?
Michelle:(laughs)Well,let me see what I can do.
(Michelle Obama and Mrs.Harris laugh)
Michelle:In the meantime,let's get this party started!
Zuri,Jessie,Mrs.Harris,Taylor and Sgt.Harris:Yeah!(chuckle)
Jessie:Oh,my gosh! The First Lady is getting our party started!
(Emma,Luke and Ravi enter the scene)
Luke:Hey,uh,did you ever find the answer to that question I asked you about?
Michelle:Oh yeah,I did.And there is no treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.
Luke:Or so you say...
Jessie:Excuse him and his ridiculous conspiracy theories. Now,can we talk about Area 51?
(scene changes to the kitchen)
Michelle:Sorry Jessie,but I just can't hang your headshots in the White House. They might look just a little out of place in between the portraits of Washington and Lincoln.
Jessie:So,having my face chiseled in Mount Rushmore is out of the question?
Jessie:OK,you know what? Just keep 'em. Just in case you run into Ben Affleck at a state dinner. You can-
(Jessie and Michelle Obama arguing)
(Mrs.Kipling gives Michelle Obama cake with her tail)
Michelle:(eats the cake)Wow,this is actually pretty good! You're not nearly as bad a cook as Zuri said.(nods)
Michelle:Although,if you used half as much sugar,and replaced the eggs with applesauce,then this cake would be even better.
Bertram:I respectfully disagree.
(security guards enter the scene)
Bertram:I said "respectfully"!
Jessie:Wow,those guys came out of nowhere! Where were they hiding?
Michelle:Oh,if I told you that,it wouldn't be called the Secret Service.