View source for Identity Thieves/Transcript

(''We open in the penthouse, where the kids are eating breakfast. Ravi suddenly comes in with a pile of textbooks.'')

'''Ravi: '''Good morning, everyone! (''He sets the books down.'')

'''Luke: '''GROSS! Get those textbooks away from me! Can't you see I'm EATING?

'''Emma: '''Ravi, for the last time, no one wants to play ''Spot the Typos and E-mail the Publishers''!

'''Ravi: '''No, today is the day we take the SPATs! The Scholastic Practice Aptitude Test! I thought Luke might want to do some last-minute studying with me!

(''Luke blows a bubble from his mouth.'')

'''Jessie: '''Too bad freckles aren't brain cells.

(''The phone rings, and Emma races to answer it.)''

'''Emma: '''Hello, Emma Ross, fashion maiden speaking! Oh, whatevs, he'll call you back.

'''Bertram: '''Who was that?

'''Emma: '''Oh, just your doctor. Either you have an appointment in 6 weeks or you ''have ''6 weeks.

'''Bertram: '''WHAT? (''He grabs the phone and runs out of the room.'')

'''Emma: '''I'm expecting a call from Leopard Beat! They're about to announce this year's New York It Girl! It's gonna be me, obvs.

'''Jessie: '''So you think they got your hint? Those billboards were suttle.

'''Zuri: '''They always give it to the girl in the New York scene who's popular, stylish, and has a BIG social media following.

'''Emma: '''The winner gets a full-page spread in the magazine. It's like the Nobel Prize for pretty people!

'''Zuri: '''Emma, will you still help me pick out my outfits when your super-famous?

'''Emma: '''Of course! Just make an appointment through my assistant.

'''Zuri: '''Um, Jessie, can Emma squeeze me in for a brunch?

'''Jessie: '''Okay, for the last time, I'm not Emma's assistant! (''Facing Emma) ''By the way, you have school in 5 minutes and a wax at 4:00.

(''Theme song'')

'''Zuri: '''Check it out! I've just been verified on Flitter!

'''Emma: '''That's amazing! You're now officially popular enough to have people wanna pretend to be you!

'''Jessie: '''I had somebody pretend to be me once. Crazy thing is that it actually improved my credit score.

'''Zuri: '''I've been getting a ton of new followers ever since Emma posted a picture of me on her fashion vlog wearing a Vegan Leather Bolero!

'''Emma: '''OMG! Everyone is saying your style is on flique!

'''Jessie: '''That's rude! Or cool...I have NO idea what flique means.

'''Emma: '''Zuri, I'm so proud of you. Once I make Leopard Beat's New York It Girl, I'll be sure to hook you up with a front row seat at Fashion Week!

'''Zuri: '''That would be awesome!

'''Emma: '''But you have to promise me one thing; never, ever look Carla Gerphelt's cat in the eye.

'''Jessie: '''They say it's a fashion fur-paw.

'''Emma: '''(''whispering'') And you're not allowed to bring Jessie.

(''Luke and Ravi in the screening room'')

'''Ravi: '''Oh, I cannot WAIT to see what I got on the SPATs! I am certain I aced them. Not to toot my own horn!

'''Luke: '''(''Silent fart'') I just tooted MY own horn.

(''Bertram enters, vaccuming'')

'''Bertram: '''Ugh! What have you guys been eating in here? Corpses?

(''He drops his ring under a door'')

'''Bertram: '''Oh no! My Butler Academy Class Ring! Heh, I graduated Magnicoon Laundry.(''He tries to open the door but it is locked.'')

'''Bertram: '''It's locked. Come to think of it, I've never opened that door before. Do either of you know what's behind there?

'''Ravi: '''Storage closet?

'''Luke: '''I just throw my gum wrappers under there.

'''Bertram: '''Well, feel free to stick your dirty socks under there, too. Every time I throw them in the washing machine...she cries.

(''The girls are in the living room. The phone rings, and Jessie answers it.'')

'''Jessie: '''Ross residence, Jessie speaking. (''facing the girls'') Oh, it's Leopard Beat. (''turns away'') Hey, are you interested in any free-lance articles? I wrote this great one for my high school newspaper. ''Overalls: Putting the FUN in functional.''

'''Emma: '''Jessie! (''takes the phone'') Emma Ross! What issue will I be in? I look great in summer wear, but my sweater game has been strong lately. Wait, what? Are you serious? Okay, I'll tell her.

'''Jessie: '''What did they say? Did they wanna read my overalls piece?

'''Emma: '''No, they said I'm NOT this year's New York It Girl. Zuri is.

'''Zuri: '''*GASP* I AM?!

'''Emma: '''Yeah, they said you were an unbeatable combination of trendy and trending.

'''Zuri: '''I can't believe it!

'''Emma: '''Me neither! (''facing Jessie'') I'm only 16 years old, and I lost my job to a younger woman!

(''The boys in the lobby'')

'''Ravi: '''Today is the day our SPAT scores arrive in the mail! Can't you think of anything more exciting?!

'''Luke: '''Yes. ALL things.

'''Ravi: '''Ohhhhhh...huh? 50? I only received 50 out of 1,000?! IMPOSSIBLE! YOU GET 10 POINTS JUST FOR WRITING YOUR NAME!

'''Luke: '''(''holding his test upside down'') Eh, don't feel that bad. I only got a 0001.

'''Ravi: '''No! You got 1,000!

'''Luke: '''Really?! Well, then, you should feel terrible!

(''The girls in the living room'')

'''Zuri: '''Ever since Leopard Beat made me New York It Girl, I've gotten over 20,000 new Flitter followers! And here's another one. Ooh, Harry Styles? (''singsong'') Accept!

'''Emma: '''I hope the one direction he goes is off a short peer!

'''Jessie: '''Luke, hurry up! You're gonna be late for school AGAIN!

'''Luke: '''Salutations.

'''Jessie: '''Wow, I think this is the first time you've gotten out of bed without me yelling that I spilled water on my shirt.

'''Luke: '''Hey, now that I'm the smart one in the family, I figured I might as well look and act the part!

'''Jessie: '''You know you're supposed to WEAR deodorant, not eat it, right?

'''Luke: '''I've also been staying awake in my classes and doing my homework. Turns out, algebra is easy when you actually open the book!

'''Jessie: '''Okay, not gonna question it, just gonna be grateful! So grateful! Ravi, hey, buddy, are you excited for your chemistry test today?

'''Ravi: '''I no longer have faith in a test's ability to prove once intelligence. I shall fill in the bubbles with reckless abandon and let the grades fall where they may!

'''Jessie: '''Did you also put your pants on with reckless abandon? Because they're backwards.

'''Ravi: '''Will you please zip my fly?

'''Luke: '''Ravi, I know how tough school can be for the simple-minded. If you need some help, I'd be happy to tutor you! And use small words!

'''Ravi: '''Back when I was the smart one in the family, was I that carnescending?

'''Jessie: '''Little bit.

(''She goes to the screening room and finds Bertram lying on the floor.'')

'''Jessie: '''Bertram, are you okay? Oh my gosh! He DID only have 6 weeks!

'''Bertram: '''I'm fine, I'm just trying to see under this door! I was up all night wondering what's behind it! I only got 12 hours of sleep!

'''Jessie: '''The struggle is real. Meanwhile, leave that door alone. Morgan and Christina told me 2 things when I came to work here. 1: Zuri's a biter. And 2: Never, EVER go in that room.

'''Bertram: '''You're not at ALL curious about what's behind this door?

'''Jessie: '''No way! And if you on as many weird things as I have in this penthouse, you wouldn't be either. 3 words: lazy lizard laundry.

(''The boys coming into the living room'')

'''Luke: '''Dude, why didn't you tell me they have a WHOLE room at school full of books that you can borrow for FREE?

'''Ravi: '''Perhaps because the only time YOU ever picked up a book, it was to kill a spider.

'''Luke: '''Actually, it only had 6 legs, so obviously, it was an aerialas cristatous.

'''Ravi: '''I hate you.

'''Luke: '''Hey, Jessie, I finished my book report. You know, up until today I thought ''Weathering Heights'' was where Jay Z grew up.

'''Jessie: '''You also thought ''Bale Wolf ''was fanfiction about Beyonce and Wolverine.

'''Luke: '''You know, ever since I found out I was smart, I've been kicking butt in my classes! (''turns to Ravi'') Looks like I just stole your seat at the Periodic Table, son! Haha!

'''Ravi: '''Mocked by the man who once lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a CHICKEN!

'''Jessie: '''Ravi, I'm worried about you. You're not yourself.

'''Ravi: '''Of course I'm not myself, LUKE is myself! And I am beside myself, which means I am beside Luke, which is better than being behind him, but still not great, storming off now!

'''Emma: '''Jessie, you HAVE to help me! People at school are calling me Zuri's Sister!

'''Jessie: '''You ARE Zuri's sister.

'''Emma: '''I feel like Zuri is stealing my identity!

'''Jessie: '''Okay. Emma, I KNOW not being named New York It Girl was a blow, but Zuri is not stealing your identity.

'''Zuri: '''(''talking on the phone'') ABSOLUTELY, Donatella. Just send your spring line over to the penthouse. I'm sure it'll be TOTES adorbs!

'''Jessie: '''Yeah, you should "totes" be worried.

(''Bertram in the screening room'')

'''Bertram: '''Darn! I can't see anything! Luke says the snake camera works perfectly under Jessie's door! (''He hears animal noises'') Mrs. Kipling? Please tell me you're having a playdate in there! (''the camera snaps'') AH!

(''Ravi and Emma appear in the screening room, looking like a couple of gangsters that haven't bathed in weeks. They have pork rinds with them.'')

'''Ravi: '''Pork rind me.

'''Bertram: '''Ravi! Ravi's friend...there are creatures behind the secret door in there! I think I just made one of them angry! (''he sees Emma'') Oh, Emma. Sorry, I didn't recognize you. Also...yeesh.

'''Ravi:''' Why do you not just ask Luke to help you? He seems to have ALL the answers.

'''Emma: '''Yeah! And if THAT doesn't work, ask ZURI! Everyone TOTES adores HER!

'''Bertram: '''Actually, I think it's even scarier in here.

'''Ravi: '''You know, it is one thing for Luke to have discovered his ability to think, but to steal my matter of trust, my witty rap artee, and load his smarts over me, too far, sir, too far!

'''Emma: '''Yeah! And now Zuri's gonna make EVERY girl in New York sick with jealousy! I wanted to make those girls sick! MY life is OVER!

'''Ravi: '''No, it is not! You have the chance to be on top again!

'''Emma: '''Really? You think so?

'''Ravi: '''Of course! You simply cannot see the trees to the forest on your forehead!

'''Emma: '''You're right! I'm going to take back my identity! To my makeup mirror!

'''Ravi: '''You might want to give it a little warning! It is in for a shock.

(''Jessie and Luke in the kitchen'')

'''Jessie: '''Luke, are you hoarding food? Oh, don't tell me you're taking Bertram's identity, too!

'''Luke: '''No, it's for a science project. I gotta keep my straight A's. I'm trying to decide between Harvard or Yale as my safety school.

'''Jessie: '''Wow. 2 weeks ago, you couldn't even SPELL school.

'''Luke: '''Yeah. That age is tricky. Anyway, after I finish my project, I think I'll caculate how many times per hour I can tell Ravi he's wrong.

'''Jessie: '''I should probably tell you not to do that, but you are voluntarily doing math, so I'm torn.

'''Luke: '''You know, getting that perfect SPAT score really changed my life.

'''Jessie: '''YOU'RE changing your life. And I'm so proud of you. (''the phone rings'') Hello? Yes. Oh. Are you sure? Okay, thank you. Bertram, I just found out Luke and Ravi's SPAT scores were switched! It was LUKE who only scored a 50!

'''Bertram: '''If this is a test to see how much I care, my score is 0.

(''Ravi is on the terrace, buried in chips. Jessie walks out.'')

'''Jessie: '''Ravi? Whoa!

'''Ravi: '''Fun fact: Gourage Chips are suprisingly warm!

'''Jessie: '''Good to know. Listen, I have some news, and we have to keep it a secret from Luke.

'''Ravi: '''Oh, the only news I want to hear about Luke is that he's not really a genius after all.

'''Jessie: '''Actually...

'''Ravi: '''Oh, how I would rub it in is smugby freckled face! I would make him rue the day he ruined MY days! Anywho, you were saying?

'''Jessie: '''Uh...you know what? Never mind.

'''Ravi: '''Okay, well...if you need me, I shall be out here considering what air contidioning repair school I'll be applying to.

'''Jessie: '''Look. Ravi, just because Luke is smart doesn't make you any less intelligent. In fact, you should be happy you finally have someone to share your interest in academics with. So, maybe instead of using Luke as a competitor...you should seem as a friend.

'''Ravi: '''A friend?

'''Jessie: '''Oh, yeah, you know, someone that you hang out with, share common interests...

'''Ravi: '''I know what a friend is. But I understand why you felt the need to clarify that for me. Chip?

'''Jessie: '''No, thank you.

(''Pepper, publisher of Leopard Beat, and her crew are preparing for Zuri's photo shoot in the living room.'')

'''Pepper: '''Go ahead and set up over there. My Leopard Beat readers are gonna go zany for Zuri!

'''Zuri: '''Help yourself to some PB&J finger sandwiches.

'''Pepper: '''Classic Zuri! So generous, so sweet!

'''Zuri: '''I'll take the compliment. But clearly you don't know me very well.

'''Pepper: '''Such a sassafrazz! I love it! Let's get started! Now, show me It! A-ma-zang!

'''Emma: '''Oh! Is Leopard Beat here today? Oh, I'm so embarrassed! I got so underdressed!

'''Pepper: '''Clechique! It's Emma Ross, here to support her stylish younger sister! I can't...even...now get outta the shot.

'''Zuri: '''Bah-bye!

'''Pepper: '''Yes, keep going! Love it! Oh, Zuri, I'm obsessed with you! Obsessed!

'''Emma: '''(''pretending to talk on the phone'') Vera? Vera Wang? Hey girl! Oh, of course I'll model for you! (''the phone rings'') Yeah. That...that is a GREAT impression of a ringtone, Vera! TTYL!

'''Zuri: '''Mmmm-hm.

'''Pepper: '''Yes! Happy face! Sad face! Indifferent face! OH! Zuri, you are my EEE-VERYTHAAANG!

'''Emma: '''(''imitating Pepper'') 'OH! Zuri, you are my EEE-VERYTHAAANG!' (''gets in front of Zuri'')

'''Zuri: '''Hey! You're stealing my light!

'''Emma: '''Well, YOU'RE stealing my LIFE!

'''Pepper: '''Awkward! Okay! Now let's try some shots with the wind fan. 5, 6, 7, WORK!

'''Zuri: '''How's this? And this?

'''Pepper: '''If I could describe this moment in emojis, it would be red heart, green heart, kissy face, TOP HAT!

'''Emma: '''Top hat seems a little strong.

'''Pepper: '''Zuri, keep this up and it won't be long before you're running our Teen Fashion Department in ''Paris''!

'''Emma: '''What? That's MY dream!

(''Emma pushes the wind fan forward, and it blows Zuri into the dessert table, and she stands up covered in frosting.'')

'''Zuri: '''I ''can't ''believe you ruined my photo shoot! Thanks a LOT, Emma!

(''She runs to her room.'')

'''Pepper: '''Uh-oh! DRAMA! Super-sad face considering all the nice things she said about you.

'''Emma: '''What do you mean?

'''Pepper: '''Zuri says she gets all her style and social skills from her awesome big sister, Emma. Do you have another awesomer sister named Emma?

'''Emma: '''Why would two sisters have the same name?

'''Pepper: '''I have two dogs named Cat.

(''Bertram in the screening room'')

'''Bertram: '''Alright, you filthy animals, I'm coming in there! I've already had to share this place with a zebra, a reindeer, a tiger, a baby giraffe, and a diva lizard. So unless you're another kid, you don't scare me!

(''Bertram runs toward the door, and Jessie comes out and bumps into him.'')

'''Jessie:''' Wait...ah! Bertram, what are you doing?!

'''Bertram: '''Me? What are YOU doing in the secret room with all those wild animals?

'''Jessie: '''What do you mean? The kids are all upstairs. Oh. Uh...right. Wild animals. Yes. Very scary stuff, but someone has to feed 'em. Do I hear the cheese delivery truck?

'''Bertram: '''Nice try! Everyone knows my cheese gets delivered on Wednesdays! Tell me what you're hiding, or I will wash your underwear with Luke's!

'''Jessie: '''Okay. (''opens door'') Welcome to my lady cave.

'''Bertram:''' Whoa!

'''Jessie: '''This is the only room that I can relax in and not be constantly bombarded by the kids and their needs.

'''Bertram: '''I can't believe you have a place to hide from the kids and you didn't let me in on it!

'''Jessie: '''To be fair, I was hiding from you, too.

'''Bertram: '''So there WAS a monster in here. You!

'''Jessie: '''No, no, no! Please, please. Don't tell the kids.

'''Bertram: '''Okay, but it'll cost ya. One night a week in here plus robe privileges.

'''Jessie: '''Deal. But nobody sits in Mom's throne.

(''The boys in the living room'')

'''Luke: '''Okay, Ravi! If you've come looking for more chips, I think you ate them all.

'''Ravi: '''No, Luke. I've come to tell you I'm sorry for being envious of your intelligence. I have been looking at this all wrong!

'''Luke: '''You have?

'''Ravi: '''Indeed. I am glad you are smart. Jessie pointed out that I finally have a family member I can relate to! All the things I used to do alone, we can now do together!

'''Luke: '''Uh...whaddya mean?

'''Ravi: '''Well, I will not have to watch ''The Real Bacteria of Mold County'' alone anymore, oh, and you can be my +1 to curty the lunch ladies' 50th b-day bash! Everyone at school will be calling us two pisum sativums in a pod!

'''Luke: '''Oh no. That IS what they'll call us, isn't it?

'''Ravi: '''Uh, yes! Oh, I even made you a gift. It is a monogram pocket protector!

'''Luke: '''AH! You stay away from me with that! Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I like reality mold television! Ugh, I wish I had never scored so high on that stupid test.

'''Jessie: '''I am really glad to hear you say that. Boys, your SPAT scores were switched.

'''Boys: '''What?

'''Jessie: '''Yeah. Ravi, you got a perfect score. Luke, you filled in your bubbles with chocolate.

'''Ravi: '''Huzzah! I am smart again!

'''Luke: '''What a relief. That homework was getting a-NOY-ying! Heh, I have two weeks of video games to catch up on.

'''Jessie: '''Oh-ho-ho, no you don't! You've shown that when you make an effort, you can get straight A's. I expect nothing less from you in the future.

'''Luke: '''Aw, man! That's a lot of pressure! Ravi, is this how YOU feel all the time?

'''Ravi: '''Pretty much. I recommend a night guard for the constant teeth-grinding.

(''Emma is knocking on Zuri's door.'')

'''Emma: '''Zuri? Are you in there?

'''Zuri: '''NO!

'''Emma: '''Okay, I'll go look for you in the kitchen...wait a second! Zuri, please come out. I need to talk to you.

(''She comes out.'')

'''Zuri: '''Whaddya want? I'm all outta thunder for you to steal.

'''Emma: '''Actually, I came to apologize. I should've just been happy for you. But instead, I was jealous and pretty.

'''Zuri: '''You mean ''petty''.

'''Emma: '''That too. Look, I know you gave me credit for your style. And that was really nice of you. But, the truth is, you have a great style of your own. And you deserve to be the New York It Girl.

'''Zuri: '''You really think so?

'''Emma: '''Absolutely. You are (''imitating Pepper'') 'a-ma-zaaaang!'

'''Zuri: '''Hehehe, thank you, Emma.

(''hug'')

'''Emma: '''And I promise to be a MUCH better big sister on your next photo shoot.

'''Zuri: '''*GASP* They're coming back?

'''Emma: '''Yep! I called Pepper and convinced her to re-shoot the magazine spread! Don't worry, this time, I'll stay out of your way.

'''Zuri: '''You're my inspiration. I NEED my big sister there. Just, maybe, dress down a little.

'''Emma: '''Okay. I'll wear my casual tiara.

'''Zuri: '''Good! It'll look great with your black eye!

'''Emma: '''Jeans it is!

(''another hug, Jessie and Bertram in the lady cave'')

'''Jessie: '''Oh, your turn!

'''Bertram: '''Ahhhh, this is the life.

'''Jessie: '''I know. I'm so relaxed I'm not even bothered by the fact that you brought cheese-scented candles.

(''yelling'')

'''Bertram: '''We should probably do something.

'''Jessie: '''You're right. (''turns sound up'') Ahhh...

(''End credits'')
[[Category:Transcripts]]
[[Category:Season 4]]
[[Category:Season 4 Transcripts]]