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The Talented Mr. Kipling/Transcript

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This is the full transcript of The Talented Mr. Kipling , made by Issica.

Transcript

(Music playing)

(Jessie is sitting on a terace, reading "Modern Nanny" )

(thumping, low growling)

(Jessie screams), (wakes up)

Jessie: Oh, thank goodness, it was just a dream. (lies down to find Mr. Kipling next to her)

(She screams again)

Jessie: Mr. Kipling, you are getting a time out. And no TV for a week.

Ravi: I think you are being very harsh. Mr. Kipling paid you a visit because he gets bored in his cage. Plus, he`s a cuddler.

Jessie: Oh, that explains the claw marks on my calves!

(Emma comes into the room)

Emma: Jessie, I have a huge problem. I love my photography class!

Jessie: Okay, I know I'm new at this whole nanny thing, but not seeing the problem.

Emma: The problem is I got the world's most laziest partner for this assignment.

(Luke enters the room)

Luke: You call it lazy, I call it selective participation. (holds up camera) Now, Jessie, give me... pouty nanny.

(Luke takes a picture of Jessie with confused face)

Luke: Okay, that was more like constipated nanny, but I can touch it up. I can't believe I can get school credit for taking pictures of cute girls.

Emma: The assignment is to take pictures of New York's flora and fauna.

Luke: Ooh, I hope those are hot Latin twins.

Jessie: Do you have an off switch?

Luke: Yep! You wanna try and find it?

Jessie: Nope. Okay, look. We are going to the park. That way, you guys can work on your assignment, and Ravi can take Mr. Kipling for a walk, or a slither, or whatever he does.

Ravi: No, no, no, no, no, no. We cannot take Mr. Kipling for a walk.

Emma: If Mrs. Chesterfield sees him, she'll throw a hissy fit.

Luke: Yeah, she's the head of the condo board.

Ravi: And a real pain in the ashram.

Jessie: Oh, is she that annoying lady downstairs who's always carrying that homely baby?

Luke: It's a dog.

Jessie:You're telling me. Someone whomped that child with the ugly stick.

Emma: He means it's Chihuahua.

Jessie: It's Chi-hideous. Look, Ravi, I'm not gonna let some old grouch to keep you from walking your pet. We'll just ask Tony to make sure the coast is clear.

Tony: (on intercom) I'm on it!

Jessie:Tony, are you eavesdroping again?

Tony: Now that I've looked up for word... Yes.

~kitchen~

Bertram: (on the phone) I need a loaf of bread, a pound of cheddar cheese, two pounds of roast beef, a jumbo jar of mayonnaise...

Ravi: Bertram, when you are done ordering your lunch, do not forget to order Mr. Kipling's snack.

Bertram: Fine. Do you have any frog legs?

Ravi: He does not like the legs.

Bertram: How about frog breasts? (Ravi smiles and nods) Can I buy those? Um, that's my business. (line disconnects) Hello? Hello? And now I have to find a new grocer!

Jessie: All, right! Let's go! Come on, come on, come on. Move it, move it, move it! Go, go, go! Come on! All right. You have this and you have your camera.

Emma: Yeah.

(Mr. Kipling slaps Jessie with his tail)

Jessie: Whoa! Keep your tail to yourself.

Luke: Yeah. She's mine.

Jessie: No,I'm not. All my boyfriends have to be at least 18. And human.

Emma: So Luke, you're oh for two!

(Mrs. Chesterfield enters the building. Tony frantically gestures to Jessie not to leave the elevator.)

Tony: (whispering): Go, go, go! (to Mrs. Chesterfield) Hey there, Mrs. Chesterfield. That was a short walk.

Mrs. Cesterfield: I know. But, we're tired today. Last night, the noise from those urchins upstairs was intolerable! (to Zeus) Wasn't it, my little chimichanga? Yes. Give mommy a kiss. Yes.

Tony: Hey! No PDA in the lobby. Well, better go get your beauty rest. Here we go! (raps on elevator) It's all clear. You can come out now.

(Zuri first goes out of the elevator, all of them are coughing, Luke grinning)

Emma: Luke, You couldn't hold it till we got outside?

Luke: Hey, it wasn't me. It was Mr. Kipling!

Ravi: Oh, sure. Blame the lizard.

~Central Park~

Ravi: Jessie, thank you so much for bringing Mr. Kipling to park. Look how happy he is.

Jessie: Ever noticed how his happy face and his "I'm gonna eat you" face are really similar?

Luke: Ooh! Ha! Cockroach. (snaps picture of cockroach and shows to Emma)

Emma: Luke, help me or I'll tell Jessie that you still sleep with Kenny the Koala.

Luke: Kenny just likes to hang out on my bed. Don't turn it into something ugly.

(Emma shoves camera at Luke)

Luke: Okay, okay. Oh, man! No way!

Emma: What?

Luke: I can see right into Bertram's room. Oh, he's shaving his own back.

Emma: Ew.

Luke: I wanna look away, but I can't! Oh, good. A giant bird just blocked my view.

Emma: What? Let me see. (snatches camera from Luke) I think that giant bird is Hudson Valley hawk! This book says they're incredibly rare.

Luke: Not as rare as a guy shaving his back with a razor duct-taped to a spatula!

Zuri: Jessie! Come help me!

Jessie: Zuri! Zuri! What happened?

Zuri: This mean girl, Genevieve, hit me!

Jessie: What? Where is she?

Zuri: (points to space next to Jessie) She's right there, sticking her tongue out at you.

Jessie: Oh, I get it. Genevieve, that's not very nice.

Zuri: She's over there. (turns Jessie's head to the side)

Jessie: (chuckles awkwardly) Genevieve, apologize. Right now. See, Zuri? She said she's very sorry.

Zuri: No, she didn't.

Jessie: Then what did she say?

Zuri: I'm not allowed to use that kind of language. But it was nasty.

~penthouse lobby~

Tony: (on the phone) You can bring Mr. Kipling back now. Mrs. Chesterfield's not here.

(Mrs. Chesterfield walks up to Tony as he hangs up)

Tony: Ahh! Mrs. Chesterfield! You're here!

Mrs. Chesterfield: Who's avoiding me?

Tony: Uh, pretty much everyone in the building. You scare people. (Mrs. Chesterfield glares at him) There goes my Christmas tip.

Mrss. Chesterfield: Here's a tip. When the president of the condo board asks you something, answer it. What's going on?

Tony: Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with a giant lizard.

(Mrs. Chesterfield sees Mr. Kiplind and screams)

(Everyone screams)

(Zeus barks)

(Mr. Kipling hisses)

(Mrs. Chesterfield screams again, covering Zeus's eyes with her hand as she jumps onto a table)

Mrs. Chesterfield: You people have a vicious, cold-blooded reptile living in this building?

Zuri: Why not? You live here.

Jessie: (gasps) Zuri, that's not nice.

Zuri: Hey, we were all thinking it.

Jessie: Hi, I'm Jessie. And I...

Mrs. Chesterfield: I don't care.

Jessie: Okay.

Mrs. Chesterfield: Giant lizards are not allowed in this building! (turns to Tony and holds out her arms) Tony, help me!

(Tony picks her up by her legs)

Mrs. Chesterfield: I meant by the waist! Oh, put me down, you charmingly boyish troglodyte!

Tony: Whoa! Language!

Ravi: Please, Mrs. Chesterfield, do not take away my pet.

Mrs. Chesterfield: Pet? That's not a pet! That is the before picture of a pair of boots. And a matching belt.

Ravi: (gasps)

(Mrs. Chesterfield grabs a leash, not realizing that it's Mr. Kipling's leash she's holding.)

All: No, no, no, no, no, no.

(the elevator closes, and Mrs. Chesterfield screams, along with the sound of tearing fabric)

(Mrs. Chesterfield gets out of the elevator, her clothes in shreds with pieces of cloth in Mr. Kipling's mouth)

Jessie: Oops. You took the wrong leash.

Mrs. Chesterfield: (sarcastically) Oh, did I? Thanks for the news flash, Bessie! (picks up Zeus) Oh, my little Zeusie!

(Mrs Chesterfield gets in an elevator)

Ravi: Jessie, I cannot lose Mr. Kipling! He is my best friend!

Jessie: I'm so sorry, Ravi. If I hadn't suggested taking Mr. Kipling for a walk, this never would have happened.

Ravi: I agree. If only you could've had this a-ha moment earlier.

(Jessie looks at Zuri, getting a nod from her, then at Tony, recieving the same answer)

~penthouse terrace~

Emma: Ugh! That stupid hawk won't move.

(Bertram steps onto the terrace, holding a notepad)

Bertram: Why have you added 10 pounds of rodent to my shopping list? A sudden craving for mice krispie treats?

Emma: We need bait to get the hawk to fly so we can get an action shot for our photo essay.

Luke: But all it does is sit there like a lump. If it watched Korean soap operas in its underwear, it would be you, Bertram.

Bertram: Oh! (chuckles) Very funny. If you need me, I'll be inside spitting in your lunch.

~Ravi's room~

(there is a suitcase on the floor filled with Ravi's clothes)

Jessie: Ravi, why you packing? You're not going anywhere.

Ravi: I will not be separated from Mr. Kipling. We have been together since he was an egg. I actually sat on him until he hatched.

Jessie: I get it, okay? He's a link to your old life. Just like I have my first rattle. I cut it off the snake myself.

(Zuri runs into the room)

Zuri: Jessie! Genevieve followed us from the playground. She just ripped off my dolly's head! (holds up headless doll)

Jessie: Okay, that's scary.

Zuri: And you don't wanna see what she did to my Build-a-Baboon. Now he'll never have children!

Bertram: Can I go work for him?

Zuri: (pulls at Jessie's arm) Jessie, please come play with me. If you're there, Genevieve won't pick on me.

Jessie: Zuri, I wish I could, but I need to help Ravi right now.

Zuri: Well, guess I know where I stand. (snatches doll away from Jessie)

Jessie: Wait, Zuri, why don't you try being nice to Genevieve? Why don't you tell her she's pretty?

Zuri: Have you seen her?

Jessie: Well... No. But you see her. And my advice is to kill her with kindness. Just like I'm going to do with Mrs. Chesterfield.

Zuri: Do you know what works better than kindness? A really big hammer.

(Jessie is at Mrs. Chesterfield's door with a basket of cookies)

Jessie: (knocks)

(Mrs. Chesterfield opens the door, holding Zeus)

Jessie: Hi!

Mrs. Chesterfield: Ugh. (slams the door shut)

Jessie: I brought cookies!

Mrs. Chesterfield: (reopens door) What kind?

Jessie: They're "I'm sorry you almost got eaten by a giant lizard, but please let him stay 'cause it would mean so much to a little boy" cookies.

Mrs. Chesterfield: (rolls eyes and begans to close door)

Jessie: (holds door open with hand) Pecan sandies!

Mrs. Chesterfield: Well, maybe just one. It is our cheat day. Right, my little Zeusie? (holds cookie in teeth) Come on. Binge with Mommy. (Zeus eats cookie) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Jessie: (feigning laughter)

(loud crunch)

Mrs. Chesterfield: Ow!

Jessie: Uh, don't you mean, "wow"?

Mrs. Chesterfield: I just bit into a pecan shell! You broke my tooth!

Jessie: I'm so sorry! You were supposed to love the cookies so we could bond...

Mrs. Chesterfield: The only bonding is gonna be done by my dentist! And I'm sending you the bill! (starts closing door)

Jessie: (holds door open) Fine, whatever. Just please, please don't take Ravi's lizard away.

Mrs. Chesterfield: I wouldn't dream of it. (Jessie sighs) That's Animal Control's job. And I'm calling them right now. (slams door)

Jessie: I should have brought a hammer.

~Ravi's room~

Ravi: Do not worry, Mr. Kipling. Jessie is going to fix things with Mrs. Chesterfield.

(Jessie runs into the room)

Jessie: Okay, don't panic. I broke Mrs. Chesterfield's tooth, and she's calling Animal Control to come take Mr. Kipling away.

Ravi: (shouting in Hindi) (groans)

Jessie: Okay... I hope that means that although you're slightly upset, you don't blame me 'cause you know I did my best.

Ravi: No. It means I curse the day you were ever born, you bungling she-devil!

Jessie: Oh! Well, someone's not getting a cookie.

Ravi: I'm sorry, Jessie! I did not mean it! (hugs Jessie)

Jessie: (hugs Ravi back) It's okay.

Ravi: I just cannot bear to see Mr. Kipling so upset.

Jessie: You know, he hides his emotions really well. Look, Ravi, we have to get Mr. Kipling out of the building!

Ravi: As I recall, your wanting to get him out of the building is what started this spiral of doom in the first place!

Jessie: Oh, okay, are we assigning blame here, or are we saving a lizard?

Ravi: I am doing a little bit of both.

~elevator~

(Mr. Kipling is in a wagon wearing a blond wig covered with stuffed animals)

Jessie: (on the phone) Tony, are we all clear?

Tony: All clear.

Jessie: You're sure the Animal Control guys aren't there?

Tony: Yeah, I'm sure. Geez, a guy makes one mistake... (as he hangs up, Animal Control enters the lobby)

Tony: Aw, man!

(elevator dings and opens, revealing Jessie, Ravi, and Mr. Kipling)

Tony: If you guys are looking for a large lizard, I can assure you it is not here. Lizards hate lobbies. They prefer lounges.

(Animal Control enters another elevator)

Jessie: What is not clear to you about the phrase, "all clear"?

Ravi: It does seem fairly self-explanatory.

(unnoticed by Jessie or Ravi, Mr. Kipling gets into the elevator)

Jessie: Come on! We gotta get Mr. Kipling out of here until those guys leave.

Tony: No problem. He's already gone.

Jessie: Okay, don't panic!

Ravi: (runs around screaming and yelling in Hindi)

Jessie: Okay, now, he's not very good in a crisis.

~kitchen/dining room~

Bertram: Do I put frogs in the refrigerator or the pantry?

Zuri: I don’t know. That’s not my job.

Bertram: I never imagined it would be mine, either. (doorbell buzzes) Get the door.

(Zuri opens the door find Mrs. Chesterfield and Animal Control standing there)

Mrs. Chesterfield: Hello, little girl. May we come in?

Zuri: No. And Jessie says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.

Mrs. Chesterfield: I’m Mrs. Chesterfield, from downstairs. I’m not strange.

Zuri: That’s a matter of opinion. (starts to close door)

Mrs. Chesterfield: (holds door open) Out of my way.

Zuri: You’re strange and rude. And you have dog breath. (runs after them)

~Ravi’s room~

(Zuri is holding on the Mrs. Chesterfield’s arm and is being dragged along)

Zuri: Nothing to see here!

Mrs. Chesterfield: A-ha! If there’s no giant lizard living in this apartment, then how do you explain this? (points to Mr. Kipling’s cage and tunnels)

Zuri: It’s an indoor playground. Guess they didn’t have those around when you were a kid.

Mrs. Chesterfield: How dare you! I’m only 32.

Zuri: Maybe in dog years. (Animal control people nod)

Mrs. Chesterfield: So you’re claiming this contraption is yours?

Zuri: Absolutely. (climbs in and jumps around in it) It’s mine! It’s fun! (climbs up tunnel and gags) And it doesn’t smell bad in here at all.

Mrs. Chesterfield: Well, then how do you explain all these tiny animal skeletons?

Zuri: You have your hobbies and I have mine.

(Mr. Kipling hits elevator button with his tail)

(Mr. Kipling gets out of the elevator and travels through the halls, getting his claws in paint and making tracks; leaves the wig he was wearing in a plant)

(Jessie and Ravi chase after Mr. Kipling, finding the tracks and wig)

(Mr. Kipling goes through an air shaft)

~terrace~

(Emma steps onto the terrace carrying two drinks; Luke is sleeping in one of the chairs)

Emma: Get any good shots of the hawk? (screams) Luke!!

Luke: (exclaims and falls out of the chair, gets up) Ow!

(Jessie and Ravi run out onto the terrace, out of breath)

Jessie: Is Animal Control still up here?

Ravi: We lost Mr. Kipling!

Luke: (looking over the side of the terrace) He’s not lost. He’s right down there. And he looks like he’s about to eat Mrs. Chesterfield’s stupid mutt.

Jessie, Emma, Ravi: What?!!

(everyone rushes to the edge of the terrace)

~Mrs. Chesterfield’s terrace~

Mrs. Chesterfield: (on the phone) My complaint is that there is still a vicious 7-foot lizard named Mr. Kipling running amok in my building! No, I don’t know his first name! Well, I don’t care if that leaves a blank on your form! You can take your form and… No, don’t you put me on hold! And I’m on hold.

(Jessie raps on Mrs. Chesterfield’s door)

Mrs. Chesterfield: (opens door) Ugh!

Jessie: (runs in before Mrs. Chesterfield can close the door) Nice to see you, too.

(Jessie, Ravi, and Mrs. Chesterfield run out onto the terrace where Mr. Kipling is coming closer to where Zeus is sitting)

Mrs. Chesterfield: Oh, my little Zeusie! Mommy will save you! (Mr. Kipling hisses) No, I won’t.

(from their own terrace, Emma and Luke laughs)

Luke: Okay, I’ll bet you five bucks the lizard eats the dog and Chesterfield.

Emma: You’re on. I bet she tastes as bitter as she looks. (both laugh)

(hawk screeches)

Emma: The hawk is moving! Give me the camera!

(Luke takes the camera and aims it at the hawk)

Luke: It’s diving straight toward us!

Emma: I think it wants the Chihuahua!

Luke: Hey, everybody loves Mexican.

(the hawk swoops toward Zeus but Mr. Kipling whacks it with his tail and Luke gets a picture of it)

Luke: I got it! Now, that’s an action shot!

Mrs. Chesterfield: (picks Zeus up) Oh!

Jessie: Wow! A giant lizard using a hawk as a pinata! That’s a first for me. Anybody else?

Mrs. Chesterfield: Oh, my little Zeusie! Mommy has you. Oh, stop trembling. Oh, that’s me. Oh! I’ll call Zoya and book us an emergency couples massage.

Jessie: Gee, it must feel pretty bad almost losing your pet like that.

Mrs. Chesterfield: It does. If I lost Zeus, who would I watch Real Housewives with?

Jessie: So now you know how Ravi feels about Mr. Kipling.

Mrs. Chesterfield: You and Mr. Kipling watch The Real Housewives of New York, too?

Ravi: Oh, absolutely. But if you want to see a real catfight, you should check out The Real Housewives of New Delhi.

Jessie: See? See how we’re all bonding?

Ravi: So does this mean Mr. Kipling can stay?

Mrs. Chesterfield: I didn’t say that.

Jessie: Oh, come on! If it weren’t for his lizard, right now, your dog would be a yappy meal.

Mrs. Chesterfield: All right.

Ravi: Yes!

Mrs. Chesterfield: Just promise to keep that disturbing creature away from me.

Jessie: Deal. You will never see Mr. Kipling again.

Mrs. Chesterfield: I was talking about Zuri. She’s a very strange child.

~kitchen/dining room~

Jessie: Zuri!

Zuri: (unseen) She’s not here!

Jessie: (walks over to dumbwaiter) Oh, really? Hmm. That’s too bad, ‘cause I have some good news.

Zuri: (unseen) What?

Jessie: Genevieve is not going to be bothering you anymore. Because Mr. Kipling ate her.

Zuri: (peers out of dumbwaiter) Really? (Jessie nods) Did she suffer?

Jessie: No, sweetie.

Zuri: Too bad. (closes dumbwaiter)

(Emma enters the room)

Emma: This stinks! Luke and I got an A on our photo essay!

Jessie: What’s wrong with an A? Again, not seeing the problem.

Emma: The problem is I did all the work but Luke got all the credit! I watched that stupid hawk like a… hawk all day, and all Luke did was snap one lucky picture!

(Luke runs into the room)

Luke: Hey, did Emma tell you my picture made the homepage of the school website? (shows Jessie) All my hard work really paid off!

(Emma attacks Luke and they tussle, shouting)

Bertram: All right, all right, all right. Here’s dinner. Breast of frog on a bed of wild mice.

All: Ew!

Bertram: Just kidding. It’s chicken. (everyone sighs) Maybe. (everyone stares at Bertram)

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